So, last year some time, I might have given the BWB a wee bit of guff
for his fear of spiders, I might even have implied he screamed like a girl. True as it may be, I feel I owe a bit of reciprocation, thus, I will share my bug phobia. Now my fear, is way worse than his, because mine, like flies and shit, and it stings and it's mean and aggressive and and *gasp* *cough* *choke*
Ok, sorry about that, I have a tremendous fear of wasps (and hornets and yellow jackets, basically anything that chases you around the yard looking to inject poison into your body). But see, unlike the BWB and his piddly fear of arachnids, I have good reason to fear wasps, yesiree bob. They hunt me, no really, they do. Allow me to provide examples:
A few years back, I was enjoying a nice barefoot stroll through my backyard when a wasp spotted me. It said, hey bzzzz, there's A.K.'s feet, bzzzz, all unprotected, bzzzzz and the little bastard flew right under my foot and forced me to step on him. Could he sting the calloused heel or pad of my foot, no, he had to sting my tender little arch. YEOUCH! BWB was all what's your problem, and I'm all, a fucking wasp stung me. WAIL, CRY, SOB! And then I forced him to carry me up the stairs and lay me on the couch.
Big deal, right, people step on wasps all the time, right? Yeah, well that's just the beginning. Let's move to last summer. I was in Pennsylvania, sitting on the steps in a pool. I was watching my husband and kids splash around and otherwise minding my own business. A wasp must have spotted me, he said hey bzzz, there's A.K. in a swimsuit, bzzz, look at all that exposed skin, bzzz! The stealth wasp then did something outrageous and crawled into the pool and glided towards me atop the water and proceeded to sting my ass. STUNG MY ASS! I got my ass stung sitting in the water. I showed him, I didn't cry at all, and I made the BWB scoop him up and smash him flat on the pool deck. (ON MY ASS, really) I won't even mention the time a bee landed on my chin while I was in the pool and stung me, because he was just a stupid kamikaze bee and died immediately.
Ok, a little more impressed are ya? Well that doesn't even begin to measure up to my next experience. BWB and I were staying in a cabin in Georgia with our friends and kids. I was pg with GB at the time. We just finished fixing a steak dinner and I sat down at the table to await the feast. Suddenly my toe started burning. What the fuh...? Then I knew, one of those thoraxed beasts was stinging my toe, through my sock, under the dining room table, inside the cabin! I did what any rational person would do, I made a sound of displeasure, calmly removed the sock to which the wasp was attached and slowly made my way away from the table. Alright, maybe it didn't happen *quite* that way, it could have been more like a screaming banshee frantically ripping her sock off while knocking down her chair bolting from the table and proceeding to slip on the hardwood floor due to remaining sock and landing flat on her ass and then crab crawling pell mell out of the room. Maybe.
You see, my wasp phobia is not unjustified! They hunt me like prey, they are stealthy and vicious and I fucking hate them. So, when three wasps, that would be T-H-R-E-E, appeared on my deck this afternoon, not 2 minutes after I walked out the door, I knew I was in trouble. But, I had GB with me, so I didn't have the luxury of screaming and flailing about. I sat and I watched and I waited. One of those beasts landed on the french doors and another flew to the gate blocking my remaining means of escape, then the third one...disappeared! I could wait no longer, I knew it was only a matter of time. I saw the one on the door make a foolish mistake, he flew to a low spot on the wall and I made my move. I kicked the holy living crap out of my house yelling, "NOT THIS TIME!" And then I ran into the house and slammed the door shut behind me. Ha! I got one. GB and I were safe. Killing that wasp wasn't hard, perhaps I will spend this summer exacting my revenge on the stinging vermin one by one. I'll choke them with wasp spray, I'll smash them with shoes, I'll, I'll...aw shit, who am I kidding, I'll still scream, prance around frantically and beg BWB to kill them all for me. I think it's a fair trade.